For those of you who come here every now and then, you may have noticed that I've changed the way the page looks. It has all the same, lame stuff you've come to expect from me, but it's in a much "cleaner" format. I made the main page into a nice gaudy interface. For those of you who have slow browsers, browsers that don't support java, or operate off of AOL, I suggest getting with the times and getting Netscape 4.whatever or Internet Explorer 5.whatever and leaving AOL so you can view my masterpiece. Give me some time and I'll make a non-interface link here as well. For the moment, you have to suffer.

I've made some really big changes here and you'd better get used to them. I'm also going to be making many more. Look for a Lopez's Lair award for extremely lame webpages. I'm going to be putting some graphics that I've created on here for free use. I'm also looking for a place to hide bodies...oops. Wrong place to put that. You can expect to see me answering even more of your emails right below here on my "Lopez's Lair FAQ". If that doesn't excite you, it means you're probably comatose or heavily sedated.

I would highly recommend that anyone reading down this far spend like 2 minutes and sign my guestbook and also answer the little questionaire and let me know what you think of the changes. Drop me a line. Please. Lets just try and keep the Guestbook entries clean for all the AOL kiddies that stumble across the page. I don't want parents of traumatized kids dropping me e-mail complaining that their child has been traumatized for life. I have my hassle quota met thank you very much.

The FAQ was brought into existence as a result of the massive amount of email that I get here at the Lair. It's quite scary really. I figured, "Hey Todd, you're getting all this email...much of which is the same, so why don't you just put a Frequently Asked Questions page for the guests?!". The critical reviews of it have been wonderful. The last revision of my page brought you a few answered questions. This one will answer many more of the questions you've been dying to hear as well as keep you informed on the "oldies but goodies".

Q. Todd, I really hate the fact that I have to pay taxes each April 15th. What can I do to avoid this?
A. Don't Pay. I guarantee federal prison is a much more unpleasant experience.

Q. Hey Lopez, I really want to see your page, but my browser's old as dirt and doesn't support frames or java. What can I do?
A. Get a clue. Then get a better computer. Then download a version of Netscape or Internet Explorer that came out in the last two years or however long it's been since you learned to eat solid foods. Whichever is shorter.

Q. Todd, I want to be a guest on Jerry Springer, but I can never get through on that 1-800 number. What can I do?
A. Marry your cousin, then have an affair with your brother and his gay transvestite friend. After that move to a trailer park in the midwest and Springer will find you.

Q. Todd, where do escaped mental patients like you live? I need to know so I can AVOID that area at all costs.
A. Fairfax, Virginia

Q. What kind of car do you drive?
A. A 1998 Honda Civic EX.

Q. What in the world do you do for fun???
A. I play soccer, do web stuff and search for feral, aggresive, rabid animals to wrestle.

Q. Todd, I'm having a problem with my [boyfriend/girlfriend]. I love [him/her], but [insert problem here]. What should I do???
A. Thank you. I'm glad you mailed me. I would strongly suggest breaking up with [him/her]. From what you've described about your relationship [he/she] is a powermonger, controlling, obsessive ego-maniac who deserves to be killed execution style. Leave [him/her] right now. Mail all of your worldly possessions to me and study eastern cultures in a monastary on some mountain in the Himalayas somewhere. You'll be much happier.

Q. So when are you going to put up [insert something I promised to put up]??
A. When I get around to it.

Q. So Lopez, has this place won any awards or what?
A. Well, funny you should say that. Check out our Awards Page and let us know what you think.

Q. I need some help with my Calculus...
A. So. What's your point?

Q. I understand you're a lousy singer...say it ain't so?
Q. Are the rumours true? Are you really going to be on MTV in the near future?
Q. I've heard through the gravevine, Lopez, that your secret status as a celebrity is finally going to be revealed! Fill me in!
A. This is true folks. In some circles I'm known as Lopez Spice, the elusive and mysterious 6th member of the Spice Girls. I'm going to be replacing Ginger in the near future.

Q. Where do you get your wacky sense of humor from?
A. Genes.

Q. I've had it. If you don't start paying your child support ...I'm going to have you locked up for contempt of court. This is it. No more warnings. I can't support our kids: Jose, Juan, Lopez jr, Murray, Mike, Bubba, Darryl, Steven, Jorge and Chaniqua on my salary as a radiology specialty surgeon. This is the last straw. I have to have those payments. You'd better pay.
A. Listen. I'm telling you...they're not my kids. You want Shawn Kemp...the NBA player.

Q. Do you design professional porn pages on request?
A. Do you see a sign on any of these pages that says Lopez's Love Shack? No. I didn't think so.

Q. ...and people find your pages funny?
A. Extremely.

Q. What goes through your mind as you write some of this stuff?
A. I have lots of professionals here trying to figure that out as we speak.

Q. I see that you play golf.
A. Sure do.

Q. What's your handicap?
A. Fast cars and Fast women. Oh, you mean in golf.

Q. You seem very knowledgable in Web Development. Do you have any advice for the rest of us who might just be starting out?
A. Thank You and Yes. Never get less than 12 hours of sleep a night, never play cards with a guy that has the first name of a city and never date a woman with a tattoo of a dagger anywhere on her body. Oh. You meant advice in Web Development.

Q. Do you have a girlfriend?
A. No, I'm single again at the moment. I am, once again, taking applications from eligible women to fill this role though. If you think you might be interested and meet the following criteria: Over the age of 18, good looking, funny, won't be a leech on my cash flow and enjoy my bizarre sense of humor; email me and I'll review your application.

Q. Do you own a digital camera?
A. No, but I own a digital picture.

Q. Can you help me with this problem that I'm having with my page.
A. Lemme think about it. No.

Q. What's your favorite quote?
A. It's a quote that I saw on someone else's web page actually. "The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his." -Patton.

Q. I want to be a professional wrestler, what do I need to do in order to succeed?
A. Lose any sense of common sense, bulk up on roids and shave your head. Try listening to Marilyn Manson and worshipping bizarre gods too.

Q. How do I avoid this nasty Y2K bug I've been hearing about?
A. Well this is a little known fact. There are 2 bugs. One is a mutated version of the flu and the other is a very viscious insect. To avoid the flu-bug you need a good innoculation of Upgrade or Migration. To avoid the insect, buy some deep woods off and a few illegal mexican laborers.

Q. Is this a real FAQ?
A. No. You should probably ignore all the advice seen here since I'm out of my medication. If it's taken you this long to figure it out or if you even had to wonder, you should strongly consider giving me all your money.