Pregnancy and labor..

Actually that's not true. I could still deny it, and I tried. "It was only a home pregnancy test, I'll wait until I go to the doctors.. Maybe the results will come up differently then." Mom knew too though, and the look on her face when I told her made me feel even worse. She took me downstairs to have a 'talk' with me. It was horrible. I just wanted to run away and hide from the world, somehow convince myself it wasn't real, it wasn't happening, and that it didn't exist. But I couldn't.

The next few days were a blur, and a mix of emotions. Part of me was excited, and I was almost ashamed to feel that feeling. Part of me was terrified, a very large part of me. The thought of telling my family was horrible, because I knew they'd disapprove. The thought of telling Mike.. What would he say? And what would everyone in town say? What would I do? How would I raise a child? Where would I live? How would I go to school? How would I ever be able to support a child? How would I manage to survive labor? The questions came over and over again, and I had no answers.

Mom wanted me to consider my options and keep an open mind, but I already had a fairly good idea that I would not get an abortion. I went to my doctors appointment and they confirmed what I already knew. They told me I needed to get an ultra sound done, and talked to me about my diet and my weight, and all kinds of stuff that just spinned around in my mind. I was in shock, it was all real, yet seemed like a bad dream. I just wanted to wake up and have it never happen, and at the same time, I was still a little excited. Such confusion.

I told Mike, and his reaction was mixed, as I expected it to be. He told me he had to call me back immdediately after I told him and when he called back he told me that maybe I should get an abortion. Which was after he told me before I knew for sure that if I were pregnant, he would not *allow* me to have an abortion. I had made up my mind basically I was having this baby, and then he suggests abortion? I was shocked, though I should have expected it. I told him I would do no such thing, and that if he wanted me to do that, then he was welcome to do whatever with his life, but that I would raise this baby. He told me he'd help me out.

I told my brothers, and my father, and my grandmother.. Soon the news started traveling through my family. The only person that didn't know was my grandfather, on my mom's side of the family. I was so terrified. I found out I was pregnant in August, and I did not tell him until November. No one told him. I was sure he'd disown me, hate me, never talk to me again. In the end I still couldn't tell him, so I wrote him a letter.

I continued my stained glass classes, with the doctors okay of course. My due date was April 20th, 1999. It was all so unreal. I had an ultra sound done, which is still a very special memory of mine. I can remember how weird it was to watch the moniter and see this tiny shape, the shape of a baby.. Watching the baby's heart beat. It was real. This was really happening to me, that baby was really inside of me. I didn't know what to think, but I just sat there (layed there) and watched that tiny baby on the moniter. Mom was there with me and she really liked the ultra sound, which made me feel a lot better. It was almost one of the first positive things my mom had said about the whole thing. It was a glimpse of how she might be, if she were to accept that I were having a baby. Don't get me wrong, I mean, she told me she'd support whatever decision I made, and I completely believed her on that. But I knew that didn't mean she'd be happy about it. And I wanted to her to be happy about it. At least in some way. Some excitment, some happiness.. In arguments we had, I begged her for a positive reaction, some sort of sign that it wasn't all bad, it wasn't all negative. But anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

During this time, Mike and I were discussing our future. It was decided that I should move to Seattle, even though we had previously 'broken up' when I was leaving Seattle. I told him that I wanted some time in Helena first. I wanted to stay until November, I told him. For several reasons. Erin's baby was due in November, and I had stained glass projects I was supposed to make to sell to certain people by Christmas, and I had previously told them I'd make them, and I wasn't going to back out on that. Also, I'd never moved out before, and I wanted time with my friends and family. I knew I'd miss them a lot. And I needed time to pack. He had a hard time accepting this. One night, he called me when drunk, and when I was trying to explain to him my reasoning, he said "Oh, so your friends and stained glass are more important than me?" I was crying, trying to beg him to understand. Life didn't make sense anymore. I couldn't understand why this was all happening. I tried to plead with him to understand, but he said "I Don't think you have any intention of moving here, and if you don't I'll sue you for custody." Or something to that effect. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. I felt like someone had stabbed me. I do not like threats, and I could not believe he was telling me this. So I told him to forget it, I wasn't moving there. The conversation turned worse after that.

I did have every intention of moving there, and for him to outright not believe me because of my reasonings.. It was a shock to me. But he had been drinking at the time, so I thought I'd wait until he was sober, and discuss it with him again. So I did. And he told me that he meant every word he said. To me, that was the end. After everything I went through with Chris, and I was not going to let another guy scare me into doing what they wanted. I couldn't allow it. I wouldn't. So that was the end of Mike and Paige.

Things got more and more complicated between us after that. Sometimes we'd get along, sometimes we wouldn't. It seemed as if more often than not, we wouldn't. That was rough on me. I felt so completely alone. I went on with the pregnancy (obviously) and dealt with life as well as I could.

In January I started school again. That was a big change for me, since I hadn't been in school in a couple of years at least. I started taking a couple of classes at Helena College of Technology here in town. I only took two classes, because I was tired an awful lot. Plus, since I don't have my license, I had to walk a lot of times. I was showing by then, and quite self-conscious. I was barely showing, but it to me, I felt huge. I was wearing maternity clothes because they were more comfortable. I took Introduction to Psychology, which I loved, and English Composition, which was okay. I was bound and determined that I was going to make a life for me and this baby, so I tried hard to make it through. It was difficult, but I enjoyed it. It was a nice change to do something rather than do nothing. People commented on the pregnancy constantly, which I didn't really like, but I didn't hate either. It was just okay.

At sometime in the beginning of 1999 (don't remember exactly when) Mike showed up in town, completely unexpectedly. It was the worst feeling. I had no warning, nothing. I flipped, basically. I shut teh door in his face, after telling him "Call me and we'll talk". Well, he knocked again, so I answered the door again, told him the same thing, and closed the door. He called me a few minutes later, and I told him I'd talk to him in the morning. So he called the next morning and came over. It was one of the longest days of my life. Everything was different. I felt like I just wanted to hide, I could barely stand to be in the same room with him. Things were very uncomfortable, for both of us.

Time went on, and soon I was nearing my due date. Mom and Don looked into finding a place for me to live, so they bought a mobile home for me to rent from them, that was close by the house. Don owned it, so I was to rent from him. They tried to get all that straightened out, though i wasn't to move in until July. Mom and I worked on getting my room straightened up and cleaned, so it would be ready for a baby. Gram sent all of the 'hand me down' baby things of the families. Well, the gender neutral stuff anyhow. I still was working on the school thing, and unfortunately finals were right about the time of my due date. But we figured we would figure that out when and if it was a problem. Mom and I got everything ready, had a couple of car seats, a couple of cradles (one as a present from Danielle), a dresser for Carrie, a stroller, I bought a new bed, and some other stuff I'd need for when I moved out, and lots of other things.

On the evening of April 25th, Mom and I took my pre-registration up to the hospital, that I was a bit late on turning in. Now that I look back I realize when it first started and it was shortly after I dropped those papers off. I went into labor and my water broke. Though I didn't know either of it. My water didn't break all at once, so it wasn't as noticable. And the pains were really irregular, so I thought maybe I was experiencing my first braxton hicks contractions. I know it was like 5 days after my due date, but the doctor had changed my due date to the 26th of April.

At home, I was on IRC for awhile, and then talking on the phone. I was telling the person I was talking to of my pains, and we joked about them. He said "Maybe you're in labor" and I said "nah, they're not regular." Anyhow, as the evening went on, I got off the phone, and realized I couldn't sleep due to the irregular pains, so I got back on IRC for awhile. And then I again tried to sleep. After trying to sleep for about 4 hours, I realized that the pains were becoming increasingly regular.

So I timed them, and they were about 4 minute apart. I wasn't supposed to call my doctor until 2 - 3 minutes apart. So I waited for my mom's alarm to go off, and then I went and woke her up. I explained to her the pains I was having, and she started timing them. Still 4 minutes. So far I was handling the contractions okay. They hurt pretty badly but I could breathe and talk and walk basically, so it wasn't too bad. Mom asked if I wanted to walk to the store, so we walked to the store. And then came home. Then we walked to the post office. The contractions were getting stronger and it was harder to breathe/talk/walk. We came home. I was on IRC for awhile again, getting yelled at.. "GO TO THE HOSPITAL PAIGE" :) I then told my mom that I had noticed a slight leaking.. She said "Paige, call your doctor."

Well, I was still not convinced this was the real thing. I guess more than anything I was afraid it would be a false alarm, and I would feel like an idiot. So I called the doctors office, and said "I think I might be in labor." So they told me to come to the doctors office to be checked.

The pains were really starting to hurt by then, and I was finding I could not sit while having a contraction. Which was difficult in the car ride over. We got there, and since I said I thought I was and didnt' know for sure, I had to wait forever for the doctor on call to have time to see me. He finally did and almost immediately agreed that my water had broken, and sent me to the hospital.

So we went to the hospital. By then I was really nervious and maybe a tiny bit relieved as well. But with every increasing contraction, I was a bit less and less relieved! When I got to the hospital, they checked me in, and tested me, and said that my water was not broken. They wanted to send me home! But they talked to the doctor and he confirmed that it had indeed broken so they let me stay. I was only dilated like 1 at that point.

Mom and I did a lot of walking around the hospital. I was still walking and talking, though it was getting less and less. After a few hours, they decided I needed petosin (they'd already hooked an IV up to me for anti-biotics which I might add did *not* go over well with me). Well, I'd heard horror stories about the inducing stuff, so I freaked. The contractions were getting to the point where I didn't feel like I could handle them, and they were going to give me something that would make them like 10 times worse?

They didn't give me any choice though. The rest of labor was worse and worse. Worse than I could have possibly imagined. But well, I survived it. I dunno how. Contractions are a horrible horrible thing. Whoever devised that system should have put a little more thought into it!@ (must have been a man ;) *grin*) Anyhow it wasn't until many hours later that I was finally dilated enough, and even then I wasn't quite, but they let me anyhow. I don't know for sure what time it was.. I was completely out of it. They finally convinced me to take a muscle relaxer, after they assured me it was not a pain killer. Because I was bound and determined to do it without painkillers. I was too tense, so the relaxer helped me feel drowsy between contractions, but the contractions hurt just as badly. All in all it sucked.

This probably would have been the evening of the 26th.. about 24 hours after I went into labor and didn't know it, I'd guess. Finally they said it was time to push (and just when I thought I'd die!) I pushed as hard as I could, because I was afraid that if I stopped pushing then I'd have to start all over again, basically. In no time at all her head was birthed. Which was painful but not nearly as bad as those damn contractions! I remember, I stopped pushing, because I knew the doctor had to check to make sure the umbilical cord wasn't around the baby's neck, and the Sheri (the doctor) said, "Hard part is over, the rest is easy." And I said I doubted that, because I always figured the shoulders would be pretty hard. Welp, turns out I was right in this case. The baby would not *budge*. Completely stuck. The baby's shoulders were turned sideways apparently (thank you for the back labor, little one) in a different direction than the baby's head. I pushed and I pushed, but it wasn't doing anything. Finally the doctor cut me, and was trying to turn the baby while I was pushing.. Still nothing really. I guess the baby was becoming stressed, because I remember Dr. Howell saying, "Paige, this baby looks like it needs to be born *NOW*". So I pushed without contractions, and I pushed and pushed. Finally, at 12:40 am, April 27th, 1999, I gave birth to a little baby girl. They immediately took her and started working on her, and sort of left me alone. My mother was there, throughout the entire thing, and was trying to distract me. I was in a daze still. I remember Dr. Howell telling me it was a girl, and I remember them working on her. I told Mom that we should call Ric and Shawn, and Gram and Pap.. So she did, since she was trying to distract me.

Then I looked at my mom and realized she had my blood all over her. I looked at the sheet onthe bed, and it was covered in blood as well. So was the floor next to the bed, and everyone else in the room, even a big puddle on the floor next to the door! It looked like some kind of massacre had occured or something. I remember looking around in shock like that. Then I looked down at my arm, and my IV had broken and was shooting more blood out. It was odd. I just looked around at it all.

I remember hearing someone say, "She's okay now." Sounding all relieved. Mom says that Dr. Howell said "Thank you baby" and looked like she was about to cry. I don't know, I don't remember that. Then Dr. Howell came to work on me, and stitch me back up (Hurts btw) After awhile, I got to hold her, which was odd, I didn't know what to do@! They said to feed her and I didn't know how, I felt so clueless. But they helped me out, so I figured it out. It was amazing, to think that this is what had been inside of me all that time, a tiny little baby girl.

I didn't get much sleep that night, because Carrie Lynn, as I named her was a very demanding girl. :) She weighed 7 lbs 10 oz when she was born, and was 20 1/2 inches long. Blue eyes, blondish reddish hair. :) And she wanted to eat constantly. If you were to see her now, you'd definitely know, that she wanted to eat constantly ;)